LOST in a Nutshell
I’m not going to lie, I saw someone else do this already. But I wanted to build on the idea with a synopsis of LOST in my own words. Anyone who watches this show knows how maddening and ridiculous it is. Of course, I can’t stop watching, but at least I will be put out of my misery soon enough. If I wanted to make it really accurate, the whole answering questions bit would be the tiniest slice humanly possible, and there would be another slice labeled “WAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTT”, but I digress.
Examples of Google Being Generally Hilarious
You heard it. You’ve probably seen it. When you use Google and start typing in something, the magic of the Google thinks it knows what you want to search for and gives you a list of auto-suggestions. Anyways, over the course of too long, I have compiled a list of humorous stereotypes and other hilarious shenanigans spitted out by Google’s auto suggest. Sadly, this list has been compiled for almost 2 months, with the screenshots just sitting on my desktop, mocking me. Calling me a lazy fuck and a bum and other such things.
I finally caved. Check it. Interestingly enough, about half of the ones I screenshotted weren’t funny in the slightest, so there’s something.
Jewish people are Asians, a fairly obvious start.
While I think “how stuff works” is generally just a fantastic search query and will undoubtedly provide you with the answers to all life’s questions, my winner here is “how to get pregnant”. On the Internet. The home of some of the most amazing disturbing smut known to man. To whoever searches for “how to get pregnant”, you’re really, really, really doing it wrong.
Err … I was just looking for something about a website. Promise.
I’m not married yet.
I’m planning ahead.
There’s really too much win going on here to pick just one. Though I must admit, I have always thought that Canadians would make good pets.
LITERALLY BRAH.
America’s mothafuckin’ hat biiiitch!
Retard-related terms are always fun with Palin, as she … Uhhh. Nevermind. Move along.
Dubya is a lot of things, but being a lizard clearly explains it all. Remind me to squash the next lizard I see. Gallagher style.
Maybe if she weren’t boning so many vampires she wouldn’t be such a whore.
Yep, this is my dog
For those of you that know my dog, this picture should be no surprise. He’s hilarious (mostly unintentionally) because his abused/abandoned background makes for some great comedy. He’s petrified of people (especially Asian folks), growls (never barks), eats people’s underwear (no comment), and runs into shit in the backyard causing large cuts close to his eye (DEF wasn’t an animal according to the Vet).
All that being said, I think this one takes the cake. He’s always had sensitive skin, and moving to dry ass Colorado definitely didn’t help there. Over the winter, he has just gone to town on his belly (no fur there) and it has finally become infected. We took him to the Vet and this was her suggestion: Put him in a t-shirt (so he can’t lick it for a few days while I’m at work and the meds kick in), therefore crushing his soul.
Mission accomplished.
Amazing Blast From The Past
I still remember the lyrics to this, what, 15 years later? And my memory is complete shit. Probably because it’s filled with useless ditties and jingles like this. But look at it this way - Who wants to remember their 16th birthday, their first kiss, or their first, delicious, paralyzing puff of crack cocaine when you can remember the lyrics to “I Saw the Sign” or Canadian bacon sensation Celine Dion’s megahit “My Heart Will Go On”? I rest my case.
PS - Looking to blog regularly again.
PPS - Don’t hold your breath.
My Thoughts On Facebook Polls/Quizzes
We’ve all seen them - People who for some reason think it’s acceptable to take part in these god-awful, news feed filling, mind-numbing, anger inducing quizzes. Or polls. Or whatever the hell they are. The terminology really doesn’t matter to me. What I’m writing about today has a simple premise - I’ve spent weeks collecting the best (and by best, I obviously mean most moronic) examples of this phenomenon that manages to continually aggravate me. I’m going to do two things with these examples - 1. Explain why it sucks, and 2. Examine how it could be better. Without further adieu, we begin with the subject of tattoos. A touchy subject for many. I’m just going to throw it out there - Not a fan. If you are, you probably won’t like this.
Why it sucks - Simple. This quiz is about tattoos, with a suggested result of a tribal tattoo. News flash - If you desparately want a tribal tattoo or a tattoo with some asian symbol, You aren’t unique, you aren’t a trendsetter, and you aren’t in touch with yourself. You are just a moron, and Boulder would be a good fit for you. So go getcha some tight ass black jeans, a stylin’ neon tank top, and a styled mullet with cat claws shaved into your sideburns and move out here.
How to make it better - No matter how you respond to the quiz, make it so the suggested result is a giant penis tattoo. No matter what. It should read - “You should get a giant penis tattoo. You’re a tool for taking a quiz about what kind of tattoo to get and spreading your diarrhea on everyone’s news feed. Therefore you’re a unique and bold individual that should rock a giant penis tattoo. The ideal location for your bold and brazen penis tattoo is on your forehead. Trust us, we’re the internet. ”
Why it sucks - Two reasons, 1. Dylan took it. 2. The picture of the dude without a shirt on sporting an unzipped leather jacket with a popped collar. I mean, really? Is that really a giant ‘M’ over the dudes crotch? If it were to be accurate for most people around my age, looking back to high school, it would show a pimply tough guy with a solid blue shirt on with a ginormous Abercrombie logo(s) plastered all over the place. And scattered patches of facial hair, at best. And maybe hair sopped with half a bottle of hair gel. And maybe some brown Doc Marten shoes. And Lucky jeans. Luck you, indeed.
Thanks Dylan, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to let us know that you were the ‘Stud’ in high school, and that all the guys envied you, and you scored all the hottest chicks. At Brown County High School. Still love you though. Besides, we all know you manipulated the results to achieve such a moniker.
How to make it better - This one is pretty simple. Crop and replace the current results image with something more appropriate:
Boom. Better.
Why it sucks - This actually, in fact, doesn’t suck. It is just awesome. So awesome that it warrants two pictures side-by-side of ‘The Intimidator’ (yes, I had to Google ol’ Dale Sr. to find his nickname. Knew it started with an ‘I’ though!)
How to make it better - I’ve got nothing here. I’ve re-wrote this part 4 times already. There’s too many things wrong with a quiz on Facebook about fucking NASCAR auto racing for me to even wrap my head around. Fuck NASCAR.
I have collected many more, maybe I’ll do a part two next week. Don’t count on it.
Worst Blogger Ever? Quite Possibly.
After a series of prolific weekly blog entries (I know you guys really loved my SLIS one), I slacked bigtime and haven’t blogged since May 1st. Lame. Although it would be better writing to say I’ve been doing nothing and just didn’t feel like blogging, I suppose I’ve been a little busy.
A little busy falling down stairs on boats, blaming it on someone pushing me when no one did, making Loren and Lisa drive me to PromptCare 5 minutes after arriving and ruining their day and one of the few times they get to have fun, and making quite a hilarious scene there.
A little busy drinking Phil’s parents’ Old Style that we conned him into leaving at our house.
A little busy custom-making my own jorts (jean shorts to the layperson), with each leg being a different size for the Indy 500, then chickening out and not even wearing them.
A little busy playing far too many rounds of Team Fortress 2 (pewpew videogames!)
A little busy finding random plastic bags around the house and a roll of duct tape and jimmy-rigging a sweet waterproof shell around my foot so that I can shower once every couple days.
A little busy cleaning up Jack’s awesome pile of explosive diarrhea from Jordan’s house (totally worth it).
A little busy throwing up a little bit in my mouth looking at this picture. Yummy!
Grats SLIS!
I just had my last class ever on Wednesday, and I’m about done with all my schoolwork. Damn good feeling. Just now I was reading the IDS (student newspaper) and saw that 8 grad programs at IU made it into the US News and World Report list of 2010’s best Graduate Schools.
What do you know, my baller school, the School of Library and Information Science, got 7th as a whole, with this breakdown:
- Digital Librarianship - 7th
- Information Systems / Information Science - 8th
- School Library Media - 10th
I’m in the IS program, if you couldn’t figure that out. Grats SLIS!
How did this movie fall under the radar?
This reaffirms my belief that Matthew McConaughey makes the best worst movies of all time. Plus, Gary Oldman is a midget little person. Need I say more? Thanks to the Shack and Filmdrunk for the heads up.
Quick and Easy Facebook News Feed Tip
Since I can’t stop using Facebook, I at least thought I would share this little tip that will make your life a little easier when using the book of face. Simply put, you can create custom news feeds (ie - close friends, family, co-workers, sworn enemies and the like) that will only show you the updates of people you might actually know, yet alone care about!
Plus, this gives me a chance to show off my unbelievable paint skills.
Here’s how –>
- Hit this appropriately titled “create” button. It makes things do stuff.
- Fail at formatting your blog.
- Name your list. Make sure you hit enter after you cleverly name it.
- Add people to list. I obviously added my hated enemy Macey, and drew horns, and other fun things.
- Save. It pops up on the left, drag it to wherever you need. Since I want to be on my toes and keep tabs on my hated enemies, even though they are too busy reading men’s fashion magazines to properly use Facebook, I dragged my new list to the top.
- Phase 7 - ?
- Phase 8 - Profit.
That’s a reference to the underpants gnomes. If you don’t get it, catch up on things that are funny.
There you go, now go make lists and things and make your life on the interwebs meaningful.
What goes through the head of a new Twitter user
There’s a pretty typical Twitter new user cycle that I have noticed for people who are just signing up for Twitter. Yes list is most definitely also based on my Twitter history. Between this and Facebook, who needs real friends?
In a mostly particular order, here’s the thought process as you go through signing up for Twitter:
- Talk mad shit about Twitter. “Why the hell do I want to use Twitter? Who cares if Johnny Emokid is eating a bowl of Cheerios? Twitter sucks.”
- Get convinced by either a nerd, celebrity, or news outlet to give it a try.
- Your first Tweet is “Why am I on this … Stupid”, or something along those lines. My first tweet? “already regretting being on twitter
- I wnt but I dnt drink” …
I think that about covers it.
@peterahall this guy thinks that lists and blogging about Twitter and Facebook is cool. It’s not. Boom roasted.
